Shit I suck at

3. Deleting emails

I’m a big fan of minimalism. I get a kick out of getting rid of shit, particularly when it’s being recycled or donated to someone who can appreciate it more than I do. It fulfills my human necessity to do good and partially convinces me that I’m not the horribly materialistic bitch that I probably am.

But then there’s email. It’s not a tangible object, so it’s ok to hoard it, right? I’ll need that Amazon receipt for probiotic pearls just in case I still vomit in the middle of class and want to sue the company that made them. Rationality is clearly a strength of mine.

So what happens when you let them pile up month after month? What happens when you’re not one of those lucky people who doesn’t get emotional about deleting that birthday message the university sent you, which wasn’t even on your birthday? The emails pile up, like rotten food on that particularly scarring episode of Hoarders. And then you panic while trying to find something actually pertinent to your academic life, and move past the denial stage into admitting that you have a problem.

Deleting emails; it’s something I suck at.

2. Imitating American Apparel

American Apparel. You’ve seen the ads…waifish “everyday” models who, though claimed as friends of the company, actually ARE professional models. They sell you overpriced basics with their T&A, and crush your soul with their nonchalance.

Because I dislike overpriced clothing and having exposed buttocks shoved in my general direction (without my consent, that is), I decided to make my own version of their Le Sac Dress, better known as “how the fuck am I supposed to position this correctly without becoming Cthulhu and manipulating this with my face, let alone wear this shit?” The results were lackluster at best, with crooked hems and fraying edges.

I’m embarrassed to wear it in public. I’m even more embarrassed to admit that I was suckered into making one.

Imitating American Apparel; it’s something I suck at.

1. Repositioning gel window clings

You know those cheapass seasonal window clings you bought for your window circa 3rd grade? Well, I still have those. Twelve grades later.

Like any good Indiana girl, I have corn and a pumpkin for the Thanksgiving holiday, along with a rather rotund turkey. The problem? I haven’t removed them from my window since then. It’s April. The other problem? I have an owl I removed that I’m now missing dearly. He must be replaced.

But then you remember the real problem here…once you take those suckers off the window, there’s no way in hell you’re getting them back on in the proper orientation. That turkey I mentioned? It looks like it was run over by a lawn mower, or ruffled up by your friendly local hunter. And now the entire apartment complex is TRULY convinced that an 8-year-old lives over in H building.

Oh, the humanity.

Repositioning gel window clings; it’s something I suck at.

Welcome to a collection of shit I suck at.

As the blog name suggests, this is a numbered collection of things that I have general ineptitude at and difficulty with. Hopefully humorous and likely relatable, at the very least this should be an exercise in ego-boosting for the rest of you.